What do you mean, I can't control everything?

I am a bit of what you might call a "control freak". This personality defect spills over into every aspect of my life. From being 18, a new wife and mother and thinking I had to prove everyone wrong and be perfect at both so I had to control everything around me to leading in the line of traffic because I hate having to yield to someone else's decisions. It's how I'm wired; God made me this way. It is also one of the biggest struggles I have in my walk with Him. I can't control everything. The God of this universe knows better than I and I had to learn this the hard way.

A year and a half ago I had a miscarriage. I was 11 weeks and I had taken my daughter with me to my appointment because this was the first time we were going to get to hear the heartbeat. We were ecstatic and she was so happy to be able to come along. In an instant our warm, fuzzy feelings were destroyed. It was like I was separate from myself, moving through thick mud- laying on the exam table while the nurse searched for the heartbeat, on to have an ultrasound where our little baby had no flicker of a beating heart, Abi watching her mama fall apart and not understanding what it all meant exactly. "But what happened to the baby?"

It was a feeling I cannot describe. Pain, heartache, devastation, sadness, anger. I could not control this. Our baby had not grown past 7 weeks but my body had not naturally rid itself of the ended pregnancy so I had a choice to make. It felt like a bad movie. What did I do to cause this? Did I not eat right, not get enough sleep, overwork myself? Unfortunately, there aren't always answers to the questions you ask.

Going back to work after, where there were at least 5-10 others pregnant and one very close girlfriend who was due days after me, was like pouring salt in the fresh wound. I could not wrap my head around what had happened to us.

What came next is something I can only describe as chaos. I was angry. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. I had only known two others who had had a miscarriage.  Where do I go from here?

I decided I needed to take the reigns. I needed to execute precise control over every thing in my life. Frankly, I didn't trust God to be the author of my story anymore.

Over the course of the next months I proceeded to spiral out of "control", ironically. My priorities became twisted, I ran from my husband (who did not experience the loss the same way, did not experience the level of grief I had), dove into making myself happy no matter the cost to anyone else, looked for love and affection from others, ran from God. And it was the most chaotic, discontented period in my entire life. I did not recognize myself. I was miserable and I had succeeded in making everyone in my house miserable along with me.

Almost six months later and the choices I had been making had done more damage to myself, my marriage and my child than I could have ever thought possible. It's funny, being the bus driver means you are the one responsible when it crashes. I had decided to take the wheel and hit a tanker filled with gas causing explosions, a ten car pile-up, traffic for 200 miles, and most importantly, affected the lives of everyone I loved. I could not do this on my own anymore. My body, my mind and my spirit were tired. I needed comfort, I needed refuge in the One who could save me, renew me and change me. I needed to relinquish control.

I've tried taking the lead and I am terrible at it. Loosening my grip and allowing God to be in the driver's seat hasn't been easy, but it has been freeing.

"God has given us a free will and allows us to storm ahead, but He also allows the consequences of our interference to affect our lives." -Sharon Jaynes

 For those struggling with pain, loss, life in general; be still, know that He is God and He is in ultimate control and has a plan for your life. He will never leave you or forsake you. Call on Him and He will be your refuge, your strength and your comfort.

Paycheck to paycheck

One day, after packing the kids into the car to head who knows where, Abi says to me, "Mommy, I'm so thirsty!" Now, we had literally JUST pulled out of the garage. So I say to her, "Abi, why didn't you get something to drink before we left?" Her response? "It's ok, we can just stop and get something." I had to catch my breath. Look at what we have done to our child? We have set the worst example parents can teach and she has no respect for the dollar! It was that day that got this ball rolling. Not only because of the unnecessary spending, but because that specific day, when my daughter was thirsty, I couldn't afford to buy her a drink even if I wanted to.

A few days later, I was having an honest conversation with one of my fabulous girlfriends, Brittany (you can follow her blog here).  We were discussing my family's current financial situation and she said she had something I should read. You see, my husband and I have found ourselves strapped to a mountain of debt, spending everything we make on bills, with little to nothing left over. Granted, we did this to ourselves so we have no one to blame but us. A few weeks later a book came in the mail and it has totally turned our world inside out. One of the first things Dave Ramsey says is to look in the mirror, that is your number one problem with money.

Ouch! Me? How could I be our problem with money? Could it be because once I graduated nursing school we finally had two steady incomes? Could it be because we got comfortable with excess and spent it without looking back? Or because we were stupid and instead of paying off the debt we had and padding that savings account that up until just recently had an average of $0.00 in it, we ignored it? Yes, the reflection in the mirror, myself and my husband, we were the problem.

That's the harsh reality. No magical job, no magical raise, no magical wand exists to erase financial stupidity. Our problems with money were never going to go away until we faced the fact that we have put ourselves here; we made our choices and now we have to live with the consequences. Part of those consequences are the painstaking process of having to dig our way out of this hole. And so, our journey has begun. One month down and we have successfully stuck with a, get ready for this....BUDGET. The dreaded "B" word. We never realized how frivolous we were with money and how unneeded the things were that we chose to spend our hard earned pennies on until we wrote it all down and had to assign each dollar. 

We are tired of paying bills every other Friday and looking at each other with weary eyes wondering how we are going to make it for another two weeks. WE are making our money work for us. WE are taking control. 

More info on Dave Ramsey can be found here

Newbie

My name is Krista. I am a daughter of Christ, wife of Aaron, mother to two beautiful children and I love my life.

So, I guess I finally caved into this whole "blogger's world" thing and have decided to give it a try. My hope is that someone can use my life experiences as an example and learn from my mistakes. This road so far hasn't been an easy one. But if it were easy, everyone would be doing it, right?

Well, here goes nothing! Stay tuned. I don't know what I'm doing but we'll see how this goes!