A year and a half ago I had a miscarriage. I was 11 weeks and I had taken my daughter with me to my appointment because this was the first time we were going to get to hear the heartbeat. We were ecstatic and she was so happy to be able to come along. In an instant our warm, fuzzy feelings were destroyed. It was like I was separate from myself, moving through thick mud- laying on the exam table while the nurse searched for the heartbeat, on to have an ultrasound where our little baby had no flicker of a beating heart, Abi watching her mama fall apart and not understanding what it all meant exactly. "But what happened to the baby?"
It was a feeling I cannot describe. Pain, heartache, devastation, sadness, anger. I could not control this. Our baby had not grown past 7 weeks but my body had not naturally rid itself of the ended pregnancy so I had a choice to make. It felt like a bad movie. What did I do to cause this? Did I not eat right, not get enough sleep, overwork myself? Unfortunately, there aren't always answers to the questions you ask.
Going back to work after, where there were at least 5-10 others pregnant and one very close girlfriend who was due days after me, was like pouring salt in the fresh wound. I could not wrap my head around what had happened to us.
What came next is something I can only describe as chaos. I was angry. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. I had only known two others who had had a miscarriage. Where do I go from here?
I decided I needed to take the reigns. I needed to execute precise control over every thing in my life. Frankly, I didn't trust God to be the author of my story anymore.
Over the course of the next months I proceeded to spiral out of "control", ironically. My priorities became twisted, I ran from my husband (who did not experience the loss the same way, did not experience the level of grief I had), dove into making myself happy no matter the cost to anyone else, looked for love and affection from others, ran from God. And it was the most chaotic, discontented period in my entire life. I did not recognize myself. I was miserable and I had succeeded in making everyone in my house miserable along with me.
Almost six months later and the choices I had been making had done more damage to myself, my marriage and my child than I could have ever thought possible. It's funny, being the bus driver means you are the one responsible when it crashes. I had decided to take the wheel and hit a tanker filled with gas causing explosions, a ten car pile-up, traffic for 200 miles, and most importantly, affected the lives of everyone I loved. I could not do this on my own anymore. My body, my mind and my spirit were tired. I needed comfort, I needed refuge in the One who could save me, renew me and change me. I needed to relinquish control.
I've tried taking the lead and I am terrible at it. Loosening my grip and allowing God to be in the driver's seat hasn't been easy, but it has been freeing.
"God has given us a free will and allows us to storm ahead, but He also allows the consequences of our interference to affect our lives." -Sharon Jaynes
For those struggling with pain, loss, life in general; be still, know that He is God and He is in ultimate control and has a plan for your life. He will never leave you or forsake you. Call on Him and He will be your refuge, your strength and your comfort.
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