Forgiven

There are things in our pasts that we want to keep buried.  I would love nothing more than to forget about three years of our life and just move on.  However, writing this blog has reopened a lot of old wounds and I am really feeling the weight of my mistakes.

The weight of hurting those I love most in the world.

The weight of hurting someone I did not even know.

The weight of letting God down, letting myself down.

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Yesterday was the last of three shifts and it always seems to happen the same way when I work three in a row, about 4:30 everything starts to fall apart.  I get a new admission (who is 500 lbs and needs a deep cleaning head to toe immediately that takes four of us and 45 minutes to do), one patient needs a timed adjustment on an IV medication that I was supposed to do 30 minutes ago, one patient reverts back to a-fib with heart rates in the 160s so I need to call a doctor for new orders, and one patient who has just come back from a procedure and has not eaten since the night before.  Every time.

I was trying to get out on time.  I was tired.  Three 14-hour days is not easy.  Especially when I am still waking up in the middle of the night to pump once and up by 5.  7:15 rolled around and I was still charting.  7:45 rolled around and I was finally clocking out.  On my way out, I ran into my best good friend and we talked for another 30 minutes.  It was just not meant for me to get home on time and shower and go to bed.

Fifteen minutes into my ride home, I changed the radio station to 96.5, which is a christian station.  A new song came on that I had never heard before.  Hearing the words, listening to what God had laid on someone's heart to write, I knew why I was meant to be late.

Well, the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

It hit me in the gut.  Tears streaming down my face, my Savior was telling me it is ok.  He knows what I have done, he knows what I have been, but in His arms I am safe, I am loved for everything I am and I am forgiven.

Condemnation in any form is hard to deal with; from the outside by people who know your mistakes but do not know your soul, and sometimes self-condemnation is heavier and becomes unbearable.  The devils of our past creep up and give us no rest.  A relentless highlights reel that plays in our heads.  We relive all of our mistakes and feel every sting again and the burden of guilt.  

But this is my testimony.  If anyone can tell you, it is me.  God is a big God.  He sent his Son to die on a cross, for you and me (yes, even me), so that we may know true love, so that we can experience true forgiveness and can stand before Him one day, clean.

I immediately got on my iTunes and bought the song.  It has been on repeat since last night.  It is amazing how God reminds me how much He loves me.  And He loves you too. 



Romans 8: 1-4

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ² For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.