"But...God"

Possibly two of the most powerful words in the Bible, in my opinion.

I was studying this morning and came upon the book of Titus.  A tiny little book of the Bible, so short, so quick to pass over when flipping the pages.  But Titus 3 hit me, as some verses do, especially hard today.

1 Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, 2 to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men. 

A friendly reminder of how those who all themselves Christians should act.  It is so easy to gossip.  We women find it especially easy to get amongst friends and gab. "Oh, girl, let me tell you what she did the other day..."  God has called me to rise above.  To be an example to others and let his light shine through me.  

3 For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another.

Do we not remember what despicable human beings we are, so easily swayed by the sins of the world?   We are dust of the earth, not fit to sit at the table with the King.

4 BUT (and this is my favorite part) when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward men appeared, 5 NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS WHICH WE HAVE DONE, BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE SAVED US through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit 6 whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, 

At this point, my heart is leaping for joy.  My Heavenly Father, my Savior, my God, has shown upon me His mercy.  Knowing that I have done NOTHING to deserve it.  No works of righteousness can convince Him that I do.  BUT...GOD.  Those two words, that bring me to my knees in thankfulness. 

7 that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. 

I have this vision of what judgement day will be like for all of us.  I picture it like a court room.  The charges are being read, the Devil so eagerly awaiting each of us to be handed over, because that is what we deserve.  And then Jesus steps forward, raises his hand and says, "BUT GOD..." and nothing else will matter.  

And it does not get any better than that.

Have a blessed weekend, my friends. 

My unraveling: point of no return (Part III)

Hell.

That is the only way to describe the aftermath of my revelations.

Stuck in an airport with people I barely knew, but who knew my darkest secrets.  Stuck catching sideways glances and dirty looks from our group.  Stuck with the constant reminder of what kind of person I was.  Stuck on flights. Stuck in baggage claim.  Stuck on the bus on the way to port.  Stuck in port before boarding the cruise ship.  Stuck in line boarding the ship.  Stuck in a 200 sq. ft. room.  Stuck on a ship in the middle of the ocean without cell service.  No where to run away from each other.  Just, stuck.

No escape from what Aaron and I should have been dealing with privately, which was now very public.  All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole, let the world close in and be done with it.  All Aaron wanted was to be as far away from me as possible.

Choking on my mistakes, choking on my betrayal, choking on the overwhelming disappointment in myself, choking back sobs with having hurt the one person I loved most in the world.

 And he was stuck.  Everywhere he turned I was there; my face once brought so much joy, now only reminded him of our heartache.  No where to run and be free of our drama, even momentarily.  The 200 sq. ft. room kept getting smaller and smaller. 

The first few days of the trip were the worst we had experienced, ever, as a couple.  The pain in Aaron's face just looking at me.  For months before this, we had not really looked at each other.  For months we had been floating through time, not living but merely existing.  And now, we would never look at each other the same way again, ever.

 I do not think either of us slept the first night.  We did not know how to act.  We did not have time before we left to think about how to even begin to approach dealing with it.  Were we supposed to talk it out?  Were we supposed to ignore it until we got home?  How were we supposed to act like nothing was wrong, in such close quarters?  Were we staying together?  Were we strong enough to get through it?  What. Do. We. Do. Now??

Again, we were lost.  Lost to ourselves and lost to each other and the world was closing in.

But we could not afford to fall apart. Here we were, in the most beautiful of places, with our little girl who deserved more out of us.  There was no way to act like nothing had happened, but Abi deserved a memorable experience on this once-in-a-lifetime vacation.  So that is what we did.  The next night, after Aaron had gone out and mustered up all the liquid courage he could, he came back to the room and we had our version of "having it out".  Then we moved on. Bottled up the pain and the hurt and the harsh words, and just saved them.  Swallowed all of the emotions you can imagine that accompany such a traumatic event in a marriage, and put on an act for Abi.  Enjoyed our vacation through her.  It did not change the fact that we did not want to be around each other, just put our love for Abi above everything else.

By doing so, it allowed us to move the focus from ourselves and our hurt.  It allowed us to enjoy our trip and even slip back into who we were before, as a couple.  There would be time to grieve, there would be time to fight and argue and scream, but right then it was time to help Abi have the time of her life.

Before snorkeling.  She freaked out when the fish came to eat the Ritz cracker from her hand.  You could hear her screaming under water. 

Could not keep her out of the pool.  She is quite the little fishy herself.

Our exploration day.  We rode in a crazy taxi to a remote beach and ate at a beachfront hotel open bar.  The sites were amazing.

By the end of the trip, we were exhausted.  Not only from all we did; up from sunrise to sunset, pool side, excursions, mini-golf, sun burns, all the food, the shows, the unlimited soft-serve ice cream; but I think the exhaustion came also from hiding from what we knew was inevitable.  This fairytale away from the real world was coming to a screeching halt as soon as the plane hit the ground in Charlotte.  The reality of what we were trying so desperately to avoid was going to have to rear it's ugly face again, only this time there would not be the escape of a magical vacation. 

What it means to be a nurse

I love my job.  I do.  I sincerely do.  There are times when it is overwhelming though; the physical, mental and emotional demands of my chosen occupation are exhausting.  But I love it.  I was created to be a nurse.

Why I do what I do...

• because having only 30 minutes for lunch does not matter

We all complain about it.  Only 30 minutes for lunch out of 12 hour shift?  Not even uninterrupted can we sit in the break room and quietly eat our lunch.  Calls on that pesky phone that we have to carry from doctors, physical therapists, dietitians, the ever nagging charge nurse, distraught family members and even the occasional wrong number.  And yet, we still come to work.  The minor disturbance is not enough to distract us from our bigger purpose.

• because we have to have thick skin

Verbal abuse from patients and even family members is not okay, but we listen.  Realizing that sometimes all of the emotions pinned up inside have to come out somehow.  When a family is dealing with a traumatic diagnosis, life-altering, sometimes even life-ending, news, those emotions will surface regardless.  The loss of control over one's body, loss of control over the outcome, manifests itself in other ways.  And sometimes, we take the brunt. 

• because we play the role of nurse, advocate, therapist, waitress, masseuse....

Nursing is not just handing out medications.  Keen assessment skills to notice even the slightest of changes in a patient that could mean life or death.  Listening to a family member who thinks "something just is not right with daddy," and acting on that instinct.  Advocating for my patients if I feel a decision has been made incorrectly or helping to determine a plan of care.  Listening to the life situations of patients that have nothing to do with why they are in the hospital, but understanding it is important for them to talk about it.  Being ordered to "get me a cheeseburger, fries with extra salt, three sodas, cookies for all of my visitors and ice" and giving the friendly reminder of "you are on a cardiac floor and are not allowed to eat those things" and being hated the rest of the shift because of it.  

• because we take very seriously the impact we might have on another human being.  

Holding the hand of a frail, 80-something man who has just learned that although he has lived a good life and never really been sick, has developed a cancer that not only involves a major organ of his body, but has spread and is beyond treatment.  

Washing the hair of a 45 year old woman who has been in the hospital for three weeks and barely has any family visit with her.  Combing the tangled mess and wiping away her tears because she feels so alone.

Laughing with a couple who will be celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary this year and sharing pictures of their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. 

Comforting the confused, the forgotten, the homeless, the afflicted, the mentally unstable. 

• because not only do we impact the lives of others, but those others impact our own lives

A family member who recognizes you for something as simple as asking how they slept, or if you could get them a cup of coffee.  

Receiving marital advice from that couple who will be celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary this year. 

Hugs from the 45 year old woman whose tears you have been wiping who, although she cannot speak, mouths "thank you" repeatedly.  

Putting the confused patient back to bed for the 300th time and thinking, "this could be my grandparent, or my parent, or even me". 

I was created to be a nurse.  This job has taught me more about myself than I ever cared to know.  I now know more deeply my strengths and my weaknesses.  What I was born with- my compassion for others, a nurturing spirit, a determination to make an impact- has taken stronger roots and blossomed.  Only a fellow nurse can understand exactly what it means to be a nurse.  We wear many hats and wear them with pride. Because we love what we do.