That is the only way to describe the aftermath of my revelations.
Stuck in an airport with people I barely knew, but who knew my darkest secrets. Stuck catching sideways glances and dirty looks from our group. Stuck with the constant reminder of what kind of person I was. Stuck on flights. Stuck in baggage claim. Stuck on the bus on the way to port. Stuck in port before boarding the cruise ship. Stuck in line boarding the ship. Stuck in a 200 sq. ft. room. Stuck on a ship in the middle of the ocean without cell service. No where to run away from each other. Just, stuck.
No escape from what Aaron and I should have been dealing with privately, which was now very public. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole, let the world close in and be done with it. All Aaron wanted was to be as far away from me as possible.
Choking on my mistakes, choking on my betrayal, choking on the overwhelming disappointment in myself, choking back sobs with having hurt the one person I loved most in the world.
And he was stuck. Everywhere he turned I was there; my face once brought so much joy, now only reminded him of our heartache. No where to run and be free of our drama, even momentarily. The 200 sq. ft. room kept getting smaller and smaller.
The first few days of the trip were the worst we had experienced, ever, as a couple. The pain in Aaron's face just looking at me. For months before this, we had not really looked at each other. For months we had been floating through time, not living but merely existing. And now, we would never look at each other the same way again, ever.
I do not think either of us slept the first night. We did not know how to act. We did not have time before we left to think about how to even begin to approach dealing with it. Were we supposed to talk it out? Were we supposed to ignore it until we got home? How were we supposed to act like nothing was wrong, in such close quarters? Were we staying together? Were we strong enough to get through it? What. Do. We. Do. Now??
Again, we were lost. Lost to ourselves and lost to each other and the world was closing in.
But we could not afford to fall apart. Here we were, in the most beautiful of places, with our little girl who deserved more out of us. There was no way to act like nothing had happened, but Abi deserved a memorable experience on this once-in-a-lifetime vacation. So that is what we did. The next night, after Aaron had gone out and mustered up all the liquid courage he could, he came back to the room and we had our version of "having it out". Then we moved on. Bottled up the pain and the hurt and the harsh words, and just saved them. Swallowed all of the emotions you can imagine that accompany such a traumatic event in a marriage, and put on an act for Abi. Enjoyed our vacation through her. It did not change the fact that we did not want to be around each other, just put our love for Abi above everything else.
By doing so, it allowed us to move the focus from ourselves and our hurt. It allowed us to enjoy our trip and even slip back into who we were before, as a couple. There would be time to grieve, there would be time to fight and argue and scream, but right then it was time to help Abi have the time of her life.
Before snorkeling. She freaked out when the fish came to eat the Ritz cracker from her hand. You could hear her screaming under water.
Could not keep her out of the pool. She is quite the little fishy herself.
Our exploration day. We rode in a crazy taxi to a remote beach and ate at a beachfront hotel open bar. The sites were amazing.
By the end of the trip, we were exhausted. Not only from all we did; up from sunrise to sunset, pool side, excursions, mini-golf, sun burns, all the food, the shows, the unlimited soft-serve ice cream; but I think the exhaustion came also from hiding from what we knew was inevitable. This fairytale away from the real world was coming to a screeching halt as soon as the plane hit the ground in Charlotte. The reality of what we were trying so desperately to avoid was going to have to rear it's ugly face again, only this time there would not be the escape of a magical vacation.
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