Maxwell {birth day}

Little did I know that merely a few days after my last post, we would be in the hospital having our third.  Actually, I take that back.  I had a feeling.  An inkling, a suspicion.

But it was not a good time.  We had so much going on; baby shower, sister's birthday, spring break trip at the beach for a few days, mommy beach trip weekend (with the kiddos), Brayden's second birthday, wedding rehearsal, wedding, sister's graduation, Mother's Day, sister moving home from college.  Where was I supposed to fit in having a baby??

Little Max had his own timing.

Friday morning was my 36 week appointment and she did her first internal check and I was almost 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced.  I had a feeling it was going to go that way.  She told me at that point if I did go into labor, we were far enough along that they would not do anything to stop it.

That night we had wedding rehearsal dinner and around 11:30 I started having a little low back pain while we were getting ready for bed. My braxton hicks had really picked up the few days before and at midnight I started timing them.  Cramps across my lower belly, pain in my low back, inability to get comfortable.  If this was it, I was going to labor at home as long as possible.  Instead of waking Aaron, I decided to just let it ride.  At 2:00 I told myself to sleep, I was not going to be any good if I had been up all night.

Sleep evaded me.  Something about having contractions to prevent a restful sleep.  At 5:15 I decided to text my parents and let them know we would be going to the hospital.  My mom and two sisters were in Greenville, SC, for a concert the night before.  My dad was in Georgia unloading.  Everyone needed a little advanced notice.

My mother-in-law came to the house and we made it to the hospital at 8.  The midwife checked me and yep, 5 cm now!  Brayden's labor/delivery were pretty quick, so woo-hoo for making progress already!  I just knew we would have a new baby boy or girl by noon.

See, that is the problem with making a "plan" or "assuming" you know anything about what is out of your control.

Being only 36 weeks, and just barely 36 weeks, the midwife informed me that they could not do anything to "induce" my labor, referring to breaking my water AND any more walking than just in the room (how about that?!).  So, my body had to do it naturally until I was 7-8 cm, and then they could break my water if it had not happened yet.

The decision was made to check me again at 10:30 and see how far I had progressed. Guess what? 10:30 came and I was only 6 cm, maybe 7 if they were feeling generous.  Ugh. At this point I had been contracting for over 10 hours with two hours of sleep since the night before. So, 3:30 was our next check point.

3:30 came and I decided to go ahead and have an epidural, as I had with my previous two labors, and then the midwife would be back to break my water.  By 4:30 I had my epidural, resting comfortably finally and the midwife came back to check me and break my water.

Except not.  I was ready, but baby Wilson "floated" away as she checked me.  Even with a contraction, baby was not "applied" to my cervix.  If she broke my water and baby's head was not flush with my cervix, the umbilical cord could float out in front, or a hand even.  Ugh.  No water broken yet again!

At this point, I was beginning to get frustrated.  Fifteen hours of steady contractions and we still had not made much progress.  Now I had my epidural and could not get up anymore.  So, lay there is all I could do.

7:30 was our next goal point. 7:30 came, then 8:30, then 9:30.  I was not really worried about it.  The midwife had two active labors and a possible c-section.  My mom, however, was frustrated and let the front desk know it.  Before I knew it, Tina the midwife, Dr. Revels, and my nurse Holly were at my bedside.  Tina and Holly applied pressure to the baby to make sure he or she was up against my cervix and Dr. Revels broke my water.  FINALLY!! Now we could really get things moving!

Except not, again. My contractions waxed and wained, in intensity and timing.  It was not until after 1:30 am Sunday morning that I was finally completely dilated and effaced and feeling the urge to push.  Twenty five and a half hours of contractions and we were finally getting ready to meet our little baby!  The idea of pushing again made me a lot more anxious than I allowed myself to realize.  I started shaking uncontrollably.  I am not this woman! I am strong and can handle anything, and here I was, terrified of a long active labor because of how exhausted I already was, how I struggled to push with Brayden, and tearing.  I needed to calm down, for serious.

Tina came in and told me to give her a little push, just to see how effective I was going to be and get an idea of how delivery was going to go.  I grabbed my legs and gave just a slight push and she said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This little peanut is ready to come out now."  Then things got busy, 4 more nurses came in and then we were ready to finally do this for real!! One little push, the head was out and the top of the shoulders.  Tina looked at Aaron and asked if he wanted to help deliver his baby.  Aaron put his hands around the shoulders, I gave another little push and baby was out!  Three pushes total.  Less than five minutes of active pushing.  Thank you, God, for allowing a small part of that experience to be easy!

I heard Tina ask, "What is it dad?!"
A pause, and then, "It's a boy!!!"

Everything else after was a blur.  Those hormones surging, exhaustion setting in, emotions running wild.

Maxwell Lee Wilson

May 10, 2015

1:52 am

5 lbs 7 oz

18 1/2 inches long

Every pregnancy, every labor and every delivery is so different.  I have loved each of them in different ways.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to seeing your child for the first time or holding him or her and realizing the culmination of months of planning, pains, insomnia, nausea, blind love.

I have been blessed beyond measure! My heart is full.  We are the fab five now. :)

Brayden {2 years}

Around this time two years ago, it was Sunday, we were sitting at Original Pancake House and I was devouring some chocolate chip pancakes.  We had been up since 5:30, and had been heading down to Greenville, SC, for a soccer tournament that luckily got rained out.  Abi had played the day before and it was miserable; rainy and cold and I was a very 37 weeks pregnant and seriously feeling every bit of 37 weeks.

Who knew the beginning of May would be so chilly??

Dad had ridden down with us Sunday morning and as we dropped him off at his house after breakfast, I could not get comfortable; in the car or on his couch.  My Braxton hicks contractions were driving me crazy and I could not find one position that gave me any relief from the ache in my back!  I told Aaron I needed to get home and that it was getting close to time to be having this little nugget.  I wanted to try and lay down at home before, if this truly was it.  I was 2 cm dilated at my 36 week appointment so I had a feeling we were knocking at the door. 

No rest for the weary, however.  Up late the night before after traveling for the soccer tournament, up early just in case it did not get cancelled, all I wanted to do was take a nap, but no such luck!  I knew I wanted to labor at home as much as possible, and am so glad I did.  My contractions were never really "regular" but they were getting pretty intense across the bottom of my belly, to the point where I was having to brace myself on the back of the couch with each one.   

So, I did what any normal 37 week pregnant woman would do, I got in the shower to freshen up and shave my legs!  The things we worry about!  

We headed to the hospital around 5:30 pm.  I was contracting about every 4 minutes at that point.

They got me all gowned up, checked and I was 6 cm dilated!  We were really about to do this, it was really time. 

I have been very blessed when it comes to pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery, and motherhood.  Seriously. 

It was around 6:30 pm when we settled into our room (at this particular hospital, every stage of childbirth is done in the same room).  I did have an epidural, and about 9:30 I was fully dilated and feeling the urge to push.  Time to kick everyone out except Aaron and my secret weapon, my mom.  

Side note: Aaron is superb at a lot of things. Everything he puts his hand to he seems to excel at.  However, as much as I love him and am in love with him, childbirth is not one of them.  And that is ok.  It is very traumatic for him.  Thus, my mom will be in the room every single time we do the birthing thing.

When it was time to dive into active pushing, I had a hard time.  My positioning was not right and I could not effectively push because I felt like I was laying down and could not gather the force I needed to focus on where and how to push.  Little Brayden had a big ol noggin and was not wanting to exit! I was exhausted though; from traveling the day before, not sleeping, up early, laboring all day at home.  I was beginning to get discouraged and upset. 

Then, with perfect timing, I hear my mom in my ear whispering, "Lord, give her strength. Come on baby, you've got this.  Lord, give her the strength."  

I took a deep breath and pushed through the next contraction with all my might.  And he was here.  Well, his head anyway, but that was the hard part.  My little man.  He was finally here.

There are no words to express the immense emotions that flood you when you see your child for the first time.  Love at first sight.  Unconditional, undying love for a little human being.  The closest thing to God's love that we will ever be able to experience.

~

Happy birthday my sweet boy.  You have been a blessing from the moment you were conceived.  My precious "rainbow baby".  You gave me hope when I thought our world was over.  The bond between mother and child begins way before the baby can be held outside of the womb, and ours certainly is no exception.

You have tried my patience, stretched my limits and reminded me why I was born to be a mom.  You are constantly up under my feet, wanting to be held, watch me cook, help me cook, help daddy in the garage with every project.  You still do not sleep well at night sometimes, and I am a little lost as to what to do about it.  You are so busy all the time, and certainly all boy!

You are growing up so fast. You have an infectious smile and know how to make us laugh.  Everywhere we go, you make friends and people can not help but talk to you.  Your sister is so good with you and even though you two have your moments, you completely adore her, and she you.

I am so excited to see what God has in store for your life!

We love you so much!

About time!

When we found out we were pregnant with Abi, Aaron, without even a slight hesitation, gave up his Nissan Frontier for me to drive.  At the time I was cruising in style in a 1980-something Buick LeSabre.  It had no air conditioning.  It made some of the worst noises I have ever heard come from a "working" vehicle.  If it was raining, you needed to be careful about using the windshield wipers because they were somehow linked to the brakes and using them both at the same time would cause chaos.  Two of the four windows did not roll down and if you tried, the driver's side window would fall into the door and you would have to take the door apart to get it back.  The lining of the ceiling drooped so low he decided he would just cut it out and leave the foam exposed.  However, because there was no air conditioning, rolling the two working windows down was a must in the summer, so he dealt with the dry-rotted foam blowing around the car if he drove faster than 10 mph.  You can imagine what he looked like after even a short trip, the blizzard of nasty brown foam inside the car, sticking to his sweaty face.  But he drove it, completely content about it, so his pregnant wife could drive the better car.

When Abi was born, we bought a 2001 4-door Honda Accord and he got the Frontier back.  Again, I got the nicer car of the two, but he was happy to be driving a truck again.

When I graduated from nursing school and started finally making money to add to our monthly income, we decided we would sell the Frontier (it was getting older and was beginning to creak and groan).  We ended up getting a sexy little coupe, our first new car ever; a 2009 Honda Accord.  If you are not familiar, it was the newest body style they make and was it sweet!  Abi was out of a carseat by this point and in just a booster.  Again, I got to drive the nicer of the two, and Aaron got stuck with the 2001 Honda sedan, which he never complained about. 

When Brayden was born, my little 2-door coupe was not cutting it, with it's bucket seats and inability to let me get the infant seat out without a fight. Plus, the prospect of taking our family trip to Florida with a pac-n-play, stroller, breast pump, diaper bag, and all of other items crammed into the old Honda put us right back at the Hendrick dealership searching for something else.  We found ourselves a 2012 Honda Pilot and I said goodbye to my favorite car I have ever owned.  Around this time, Aaron and his mom swapped ownership of their vehicles.  Aaron took over the 1999 Ford F-150 and gave up the sedan.  He was just so happy to be driving a truck again! 

Are we seeing a pattern here??

All of our married life, Aaron has sacrificed so that I, along with our children, could drive the nicer car out of every single pair of cars we have owned. And he never complained about it. He would occasionally talk about wanting a new truck, but we could never afford yet another big payment. We were already struggling to make bills as it was. 

 Well, after we took control of our finances finally and were able to pay off all of our debt (except the mortgage), the truck decided to throw a fit and require $2500 in repairs.  It was at this time that the mechanic gently told Aaron the truck would eventually, in the very near future, need much more work, but it really was not in our best interest to repair it because the truck was not worth that much.  After all, it is 16 years old.  So, we started saving.  We saved every extra dollar we had coming in, every penny that was left after bills and food and gas.

For the record, it is a painstaking process to slowly build a new car fund.  We would hit a value milestone and Aaron would start his search, scouring every website, every car dealership, every ad on Craigslist.  And he would give up, disappointed because he could not afford anything he wanted and what we could afford, he did not want.  So, we would just keep saving.  

He drove me crazy researching trucks, motors, reading forums about which engine was better, what year he did not want to go past, which truck would hold it's value the longest, and on and on and on.  I have never heard more about a 6.0 versus a 7.3, a 2003 versus anything newer because that is when Ford stopped putting the 7.3 engine in their trucks and why "bulletproofing" was the only way he would ever buy a 6.0 engine.   See, I have all this useless knowledge!

Every disappointment would make him discouraged and he would get frustrated because we were not saving enough, "Why do the kids need new clothes, why do they have to grow?!", "Do we have to buy a new shower curtain liner?", "What do you mean there's nothing left after bills??"  Each time, I would gently remind him that God knew the desires of his heart.  God had just the right truck out there for him, he needed to only be patient.

Well, today he finally got his wish.  We drove to Greenville to meet with a private seller and this truck was everything Aaron could have wanted, only better.  I have not seen him this happy about spending money since....a while.  He was like a kid on Christmas morning, opening up the one present he had asked for all year long.  I do not think he stopped smiling for a solid two hours.

And the best part is, we were dedicated to our standard of never going into debt again and were able to save until we could pay for the truck outright.  We will not ever pay any bank a dime in interest!

So to my husband I say, I am so happy for you!!  Thank you for putting us first all these years and doing so without complaining.  But now it is your turn babe.  Enjoy your new toy.  You have certainly earned it and more than deserve it!  We love you!

#tbt

Hello, 28 weeks and a big welcome to our third trimester!

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, consisting of the lovely glucose test, an even more dreadful weigh-in and a surprise Tdap booster!

That awful drink.  It is like a mix of the sweetest fruit punch you have ever tasted, mixed in with some really flat Sprite.  And you have to get it down in five minutes or less.  I have never asked what happens if you do not succeed in the five minutes actually.  Mostly because I chug it down fast.  I can still taste it. Ick.

Six pounds in four weeks.  Not a good month.  I saw a different OB this time, making the rounds before delivery I suppose, and those were his exact words, "Six pounds in four weeks, huh, seems like a bit much for you."  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I was lazy last month.  A few too many trips through the drive-thru with Bray for lunch, not enough activity, and my sweets addiction was out. of. control.  Seriously.  Even Abi pointed it out in casual conversation with one of our family friends.  Thanks, Abs.  

The scale does not bother me so much as how I feel with extra weight.  While that does not seem like much in the grand scheme of life, I feel those six pounds, and I do not like it.  That makes 18 total so far, with 10-12 weeks to go.

So, first things first, I have got to cut out all these sweets.  Just FYI, when I say it was out of control, I mean that I could eat a half dozen cookies out of the oven, or five homemade rice krispy treats in one sitting (after lunch, and then another batch after dinner), or not just a nice serving of ice cream but a huge cup full (and rationalize by saying it was for me AND Bray), or stealing from the M&M jar we reserve for rewards when Bray goes potty like a big boy.  I know, I know, they say pregnancy is the one time you can over indulge and eat all you want and get fat because you are eating "for two".  However, now is not the time to adopt terrible eating habits!  What you gain during pregnancy does not just fall off after the baby is born!

I would love to blame my TOTAL lack of physical activity over the last month on the fact that the weather was abysmal, but I would be lying.  I do in-home workouts.  However, now that the weather is a bit more spirng-like, Bray and I will be taking quite a few more walks to add to my little workouts.

Let me clarify, based on my last post.  I was all gung-ho about eating healthy and blah, blah, blah.  The reality is, I was active that day and the next, and then fell off the wagon!  But, let's not judge!

The night of my doctor's appointment I took my first organized yoga class with a fabulous girlfriend and coworker.  No better time than the present to get started!  It was wonderful.  Yoga is amazing for a pregnant body!  Stretching and opening up all those muscles and the rib cage that is beginning to feel so squished.  Hopefully, I will be able to make the class every week!

To wrap up, in honor of the whole "throw back Thursday" social media thing, here is me at 28 weeks with Bray, and me at 28 weeks with baby Wilson #3.  Ah, sweet memories!

As always, God bless!

Sweets and true love

It is that time of year again!

Last Friday I had to venture to Target, in between dropping Abi off at soccer practice, and it was a madhouse with tons of men scrambling to find a card or Valentine's Day bag or wrapping paper with hearts or just anything red that they could pass off as Valentine's themed to prove they did not wait until the last minute!!

Poor fellas.  

Aaron and I have always agreed that Valentine's Day is a commercialized, silly "holiday", even from the very beginning of our relationship.  We have never put too much emphasis on buying each other expensive presents or making each other feel guilty if the other purchased a card last minute, because we both have done that!  In our house it is celebrated as just another day to express our love for each other and our children.

For example, this past weekend we spent Valentine's Day in one of our favorite ways: sleeping in until 7:30 (yay!), a bitingly cold first soccer game of the spring season, lunch after at Big View Diner, afternoon naps (aka mom folds laundry while Bray naps and Aaron plays Call of Duty), and then an end-of-season basketball party with some of our closest friends.

There was no big spectacular display of declared love, only simple acts all weekend to show that everyday can be February 14.  We did exchange gifts, but more as an excuse to buy each other something, because we never buy things for ourselves; Aaron has worn the same workout clothes since he was 20 and I have not had a case on my new iPhone that can withstand the torture of a 21 month old since I got it last year.  Friday night was pizza, Saturday night was appetizer potluck at the Montgomery's, and Sunday was one of Aaron's favorite meals of steak, bacon wrapped asparagus, and quinoa (trying something new). Then, one of his all-time go-to desserts, a "poor man's cobbler" with fresh blackberries and vanilla ice cream.  He even suggested we pick out an adult movie at Redbox, and by adult I mean Fury with Brad Pitt.  He tends to shy away from the dramatic and goes more for the stupid comedy, so this was a big deal.

The point is, I think as a society we, and more specifically women, put way too much emphasis on romanticizing Valentine's Day and making a gigantic spectacle out of it.  Is it more important to show your loved one that same, true love throughout the year, or bottle it up until the specified day of February 14?  And if you set your expectations way too high, you are only disappointed.

Ladies, we set our men up to fail.  They are not wired the way we are, noting there are always exceptions.  We think in terms of The Notebook and men think in terms of Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor from Home Improvement. Most of them do not sit around dreaming up ways to express their love, they do not sit and talk with their friends about what they hope their lady is getting them for Valentine's Day.  No, I have seen my husband's group messages.  They laugh about farts, random things they pull out of the air, deer meat that looks like gross body parts, the corhole boards they are building, and who can help them change their oil this weekend.

Maybe we should work more on expressing our love for one another by letting God's love shine through us.  I chose to do so by giving of my time, paying attention, being a friend, listening and showing my husband the respect he desires.  I for one would go for that over some flowers that will die in a few days!  Although, if I am honest, I will take an excuse to bake sweets any day!

True love originated when the Father sent His only son, to die in our place, so that we may live with Him in eternity.  And He did not do so because we deserve it, or we have done anything at all to remotely earn a place in His kingdom.  He did so out of love for each and every one of us.  

So, I hope you all had a wonderful February 14, and stay warm!

As promised, day #1

Well!  Day #1 proved to be a success, sort of.

I increased my fluid intake, which is hard.  It amazes me how some of our heart failure patients have such a difficult time restricting themselves to 2000 ml per day when I find it hard to meet my minimum requirements!  I have a feeling it is more a matter of, "you only want it when you are told you can not have it".  Anyway, I reached my goal of 64 ounces yesterday, woo hoo!

Dinner went well, also.  I found some fabulous recipes, which I have pinned to my Pinterest board, and you can find it here.  We grilled honey mustard chicken, baked garlic smashed potatoes and oven roasted parmesan zucchini.  It was a wonderful dinner!  I am not big on taking food pictures, plus, the websites for the original recipes have great photos.

My only hiccup came with my first official "workout".  Being pregnant and not particularly active before pregnancy, I am approaching this with low-intensity in mind.  I found a wonderful pilates workout online:

There are five 10-minute workouts targeting different areas.  However, when I got to the core section I realized I am going to have to modify a lot of what I will do.  You see, not having ever really focused on being physically fit, I have had no core strength.  Unfortunately, having children, gaining all the weight I did the first time, and not working on rehabbing my abdominal muscles, I have been left with diastasis recti, meaning there is separation in the rectus abdominis muscles.  Anyone can suffer from this, not just pregnant women/postnatal moms.  My dad actually has developed diastasis, as he has carried his excess weight in his abdomen.  If you are lying on your back, place your hand on your belly, close to your navel.  If you raise your upper body into a crunch position, you can feel the right and left sides of the rectus abdominis.  If there is a space, or even a bulge like I have currently, BINGO!  The varying degrees depend on fingertip widths you can fit into the space.

There are so many exercises that those with diastasis recti should avoid!  I am just really beginning my research on it, but will work hard to bring you safe options if you have found that you have this issue also.

Remember, beauty is not defined by one person and it must be felt inward before it can be felt outward!  God made you exactly the way HE meant to!

Good luck!

Pregnancy, fitness and all those Valentine's hearts

Ok, think about pregnancy fitness. Ugh.  Just saying it out loud makes me wince.  Such a terrible pairing of two words.  Seems like an oxymoron to me.

Each of my pregnancies has been so different.  With Abi, I was 18 and 97 pounds and before that had eaten anything and everything I wanted with reckless abandon.  I walked in to give birth to her and weighed in at 148.  51 extra pounds! That is a 10 year old!  With Brayden, it had been eight years since I had carried a child full-term.  My body had time to recover from what I put it through while carrying Abi and I did better with a 27 pound weight gain.  Now, a mere two years later (and 10 years since my first pregnancy), I am finding that my body has "settled" faster.  It seems it remembers being pregnant and my abdominal muscles are much weaker.  I can tell bouncing back after this one is going to take a lot more work.

I do not technically eat terribly, but there is definitely room for improvement.  And by eating better I do not mean counting calories like a madman, weighing out portions with a scale, or obsessively avoiding anything with sugar, or carbs, or sodium, or flavor.  I mean eating better and being smart, in general; portion control, listening to my body when it says I am full, eating well balanced meals, incorporating fresh fruits and veggies into every meal, minimizing the fast food, fried foods, processed foods, etc.

I am finding it hard to climb a few flights of stairs, which I know is partly because I am 24 weeks pregnant, but still, I was having a hard time way before now.  It is taking much longer for my heart to recover after climbing the stairs at work.  I have zero flexibility and my hips cramp up if I get into the wrong position, not always at the most opportune time....

Now, switch gears and think about heart health.  According to Go Red For Women, heart disease is the number one killer of women and one in three women die of heart disease and stroke each year.  Those are staggering statistics ladies!

So, in honor of heart health month, I am beginning this journey to better myself by becoming more physically fit, nutritionally aware, and hopefully encouraging a few of you.  I will share with you some of what I am doing to be active and any good recipes I have made my guinea pigs at home try.

I think it is important to note here that I do not think physical fitness is determined by the number on the scale or even what you see in the mirror.  I may be petite but I can bet there are thousands of women who weigh 30+ pounds more than I do who are much more physically fit.  Beauty is not defined by any one person, any weight or any body type/size; it is found within before it can be felt outwardly.

Stay tuned!

{24 weeks}

So, here we are! 24 weeks today. I have to say, it feels like this pregnancy has flown by.  Yet, on the other hand, I remember each week earlier on, because each week came it a new experience.

Week 14- our first trip to Colombus Isle together (alone, at last!)
Week 15- our first trip to the Emergency Room with Brayden
Week 16- our first flu, experienced as a whole household
Week 17- my first time EVER not seeing my mom on Christmas
Week 18- Aaron's first time throwing up with the kids in the house and mommy was at work (Nana to the rescue)
Week 29- Mom's (successful) 50th birthday surprise party
Week 21- our daughter left single digits behind :(

It has been a busy few months!

We have decided NOT to find out the sex of this child, which is a first for us also. It is very exciting, but it has driven our other family members crazy!  The fun is in the guessing.  I honestly can not tell. I thought it was a girl based on how my body responded in the beginning.  I felt I was spreading rather than popping out, however, I recently reminded myself that there were only two years between this pregnancy and the last, but eight years between Abi and Brayden.  I do not think I realized the extra ten pounds I kept from Brayden had actually settled in my hips, ha!  However, my body has take on the same shape as when I was pregnant with Bray and this baby moves almost as much as he did.  Abi napped all day and moved around when I tried to go to sleep at night.

There are not any specific cravings, per se.  Now that I am finally through the first trimester and we are all done being sick, I am able to eat pretty much anything.  I have managed to keep my weight gain so far to less than ten pounds!  But, with 16 weeks to go, we will see how I do.

If you have not seen me in a month or so, my belly sure has "popped".  All of the sudden, I am pregnant!  I am at that point where people can safely ask, "Are you pregnant?" and not think, "Well, she just ate a huge cheese burger..."

Here is the belly today:

Baby #3 will be here before we know it!

January 27

For the first time in over three years our lives passed through January 27 like any other day.

I woke up like any other morning, having just worked two 12-hr shifts; took Abi to school, played with Brayden all morning, nap time, lunch time, picked Abi up, dinner time, bed time.

It was not until yesterday that I remembered the anniversary had just passed.  When the realization came, a twinge of guilt came with it, because I had forgotten.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time, knows that I have two beautiful children, and one due at the end of May.  I love them with everything in me.  Those who know me on a deeper, closer level, know that in January 2012, Abi accompanied me to a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment; I was 11 weeks pregnant and we were supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time.  Only, there was none.  An ultrasound would confirm that our baby had not grown past seven weeks and the next day a simple procedure would officially end my pregnancy.


And here we are, three years later.  How did I move through this day, without a thought? How did I forget?  I felt that in my forgetting this anniversary, it was as if it had never happened, that I did not care as much as I should have.  How could I have forgotten such a traumatic event in our lives?

And then I remembered. Our movement through the stages of grief is only made possible through Him.  I had not forgotten because it did not matter, my Comforter had allowed me to move through the grief of remembering that day and focus on who mattered presently; Aaron, Abi, Brayden and this life yet to be born.  I had not forgotten because I did not care, I had simply healed to a point where my grief was not the focal point of the entire day. 

Experiencing a loss of any kind- parent, spouse, child, friend, even pet- is felt in so many ways.  Grief is a complex monster.  It is not merely experienced emotionally, but physically and mentally.  It can consume you if you let it.  

But there is One who suffers our grief with us, who feels our pain and longs to heal our wounds.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  


2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 (NIV)

Let Him in, let Him comfort you, let Him heal you.  

I'm so pregnant!

I know, I know. I should be doing something productive; working out, doing laundry, washing a dish that I am positive is in the sink, cleaning out the office aka new baby's room....

Instead, I found this video on by What's Up Moms. Enjoy!!

There are so many wonderful things about pregnancy, you are literally growing another human being inside of you. Take a second and just think about that....whoa.  However, with the unspeakable joy that comes from this process, there are the not so glamorous parts, too. We have to be able to poke fun at ourselves ladies; if you don't laugh, you might cry!