Stubbornness will get you nowhere

When Aaron and I first got married, I did not work. We were married only three and a half months before Abi was born.  Before our five year plan was drastically altered with the news of my pregnancy, I wanted to go to nursing school. It was important to me, and the rest of my family, that I continue with that goal, even after marriage and parenthood.

When I went back to nursing school, Abi had just turned three and for a short period of time she had to be put in daycare. Talk about a heartbreaking situation- Abi hated it, she had not been left with anyone except me and now she spent six to eight hours a day at "school", they had nap time every day, which she was definitely not used to.  She hated the food, she hated being dropped off, she hated it when I said goodbye. It was awful.

I had to get a part-time job as a nurse aide in order to afford the new childcare expense and that meant I was in school during the day all week and worked Friday and Saturday nights at the hospital. My nursing program was two full years and when I graduated she was in regular school, so we decided I could work full-time, or 36 hours a week.  For new grads, nights were the only positions available really, with the hope of being able to switch to days eventually.

And this is where we can honestly say we started down a forked road, traveling alone. We started drifting in opposite directions, away from the life we had envisioned for ourselves laying together daydreaming about the future.

Aaron wanted me home at night, sleeping with him. He begged me to switch from nights to days.  And I, feeling a newfound independence and purpose and identity apart from just being "Aaron's wife" and "Abi's mother", resisted. The more he pushed, the harder I pulled. I was asleep during the day, awake all hours of the night, even when I was off. Chronically under slept, I was constantly cranky and tired and my body felt all out of whack. But I loved nights. I loved the atmosphere in the hospital at night, I loved my coworkers, and the money was better.

Would I ever admit to Aaron that, truth be told, I only liked working nights while I was at work? That every other moment, it wasn't worth it? Heck no. That would mean being wrong.

It may not seem like a big deal to everyone else, but that was a huge stressor on our marriage; one that led to a lot of other mistakes and set in motion quite a few troubled years. Something that seems so stupid to me now, looking back. Why did I fight so hard for something so trivial?

I was not going to give in.

So, I stood my ground and worked nights for almost three years. (It may seem like nights is ideal but in reality you are giving up half a day to sleep before and at least half a day after to sleep it off, and Lord help you if you do not have the luxury of three in a row because then you never recuperate.) And because I would not compromise, because I would not give in, because I just HAD to do what I wanted to do, he gave up.

I was in a real life coma; walking through every day with only myself as the priority.  I was missing out on the important things.  Aaron felt like a single parent.  We did not fight though, so things had to be going ok, right? Wrong.  Neither of us cared enough to fight.

It was not until our lives were in disarray, at a breaking point, reaching our max, that the weight of my selfishness hit me.  My husband was not fighting against me, he was trying to fight for me, for us, for our life.  He felt like he was doing it alone, I was always asleep.  It took the threat of divorce to wake me up. It took losing ourselves completely, unrecognizable to each other, to shock us back into reality.  We made a lot of mistakes along that forked road, but we are getting there. The "dark ages" are no more and our road is straight and we are walking hand in hand.

In the end, there is nothing worth being right. Stubbornness will get you nowhere.  Listen to what your partner is thinking, is feeling, and take heed.  Do not be selfish in your relationship, or you will find yourself alone. Learn from my mistakes.



DISCLAIMER: Night shift is not the enemy! It works for a lot of people and a lot of families, it just did not work in ours. It is not about the shift, it is about the fact that I refused to give in. That is what did not work for us.